• Gruesome Gazette

House of the Dead(Review)[Twisted Terrible Thursday]


Well, this was inevitable. There is one name that will instantly bring bile to any horror/video game fan's throat. That name is Uwe Boll. This is a man who was notorious for adapting horror video games into movies and they were absolutely terrible. But he fought for his reputation as in literally fighting for it. He challenged his critics to boxing matches just to prove how good he was. This was a man with delusions of grandeur. He only had one decent horror film he produced which ended being his own creation called "Seed".

So we will start with the one that started him out, the adaption of the zombie rail shooter game called House of the Dead. A movie with a horrible plot, the worse acting, and cringe dialogue, this is not something anyone should subject themselves to. The movie is about young adults trying to get to an island hosting a rave sponsored by Sega. The same company responsible for the House of the Dead video game franchise. They miss the ferry however, so they have to charter a boat instead.

That's when our intrepid travelers run into bit player Clint Howard dressed in a yellow rain slicker and has a hook for a hand. We are then introduced to the captain of the boat whose name is...wait for it...Captain Kirk. Groan. So he agrees to take them to the island because he is trying to run from the law.

They get there, only to find the island strangely deserted. As our doomed group explores the place, and decides to do as what young people do which is drink booze and make out, we see they are being watched by something. Eventually they each find themselves under the attack of zombies. These are the worst zombies you will see on screen. We have zombies that stumble around, zombies that crawl, and zombies that decide to leap in the air like they are ninjas for some reason.

Mind you, while this is happening, every now and then cutscenes from the video game sporadically appear, as if Uwe Boll wants to remind us what the movie is based on. So eventually, the group meets up with survivors from the rave as they find the literal house of the dead. That's when we get some backstory of our main villian Castillo who convorts around the movie looking like someone cosplaying as a Cenobite from the Hellraiser franchise. Essentially he was imprisoned for experimenting on humans, and was being shipped off to parts unknown, he hijacks the ship instead, and ends up on the island. Then we come to the most painful sequence of all. The intrepid Captain Kirk reveals he has been smuggling weapons, so the group arms themselves to the teeth. They then decide to fight the zombie menace. We get this long sequence of each and every character shooting the zombies,complete with slow-mo spinning action. It's pretty bloody, but it's also so ridiculous. Most of the group is killed off, and the remaining survivors retreat into the house. And decide this is a good time to get romantic for some reason even with the corpses of their friends nearby.

The people left eventually confront the main bad guy whose whole purpose behind this was so he could live forever. They blow up his lab, but he still survives. The remaining people battle him, and during this, the camera spins around so much that it will make you dizzy. Castillo lands a deathblow where he stabs a woman between her tits, and this makes the sole surviving guy so angry that he beheads Castillo. But he's essentially immortal, so his headless body starts choking out the guy. Using her last remaining strength, the woman who was stabbed squashes the head of Castillo, finally killing him. That's when help arrives, and our survivors are saved. As the guy stumbles to the helicopter with his lady friend in tow, one of the soldier guys takes one look at her and asks him if she is going to be alright. The guy answers for the audience "What do you think?!" Then it ends with narration where he helps her live forever or something.

And that is House of the Dead. One of the worse horror movies as well as video game adaptations of all time. What is worse is this movie somehow got a sequel which I have yet to subject myself to. I have no plans to do so unless you guys really want me to do it. I will suffer through horrible movies so you don't have to which is my entire purpose of doing this.

Till next time, stay safe and stay scared!! -Tha Thrilla-

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