The Velocipastor(Review)[Twisted Terrible Thursday]
Introducing a new concept that will be in conjunction to the Throwback Thursdays, every now and then, I will discuss horror movies so terrible that they shouldn't exist, yet they do. These are the worst of the worst, and I will subject myself to these for your viewing pleasure. Hilarity will ensue.
So with no further ado, let us look at The Velociraptor. I mean, just look at the cover. I like the little blurb...Man of the Claw indeed(which could simultaneously mean man of the law and man of the cloth). If the cover doesn't convince you of what you are about to witness, well just look at the synopsis. It goes like this.
After a devastating family tragedy, a priest travels to China to find deeper spirituality, but instead is endowed with an ancient ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur. At first, he is horrified by his newfound superpower, but a local prostitute convinces him to use his newfound gift to fight evil -- and ninjas.
So the movie begins by telling us it is x-rated by an all Christian jury. That means they actually convinced a group of Christians to watch this movie, and if they witnessed what I did, yeah it would be enough to make them cross themselves and maybe possibly want to give themselves a exorcism. So there are some spoilers here, but this movie is so bad, I am sure no one will care.
So the main pastor, he witnesses his family blown up(the words FX:Car on Fire pop up on the scene...they couldn't even give a shit to render the actual effects), so after confessing he is losing faith in God to his fellow pastor, the pastor convinces him to go out in the world. This is after he offers comforting words of "Parents die...that's what they do"
So the main guy decides to travel to China, and during this, he finds a dinosaur claw. He cuts himself with it by accident, and that is when he is imbued with the ability to transform into a Velociraptor. He discovers this when he stumbles on a prostitute in danger. He kills her assailant, saving her in the process. Even though he rejects both her and the absurd idea he can transform into a raptor, she convinces him to team up so he can develop his ability more, maybe even control it.
We are then shown our training montage, and as people who train together do, they eventually fall for each other. As all of this is going on, we are introduced to the baddies of the film. A group of ninjas who are not pleased a dinosaur is sticking his nose in their business. Don't ask, just go with it. During the ninja scene, we are subjected to the maniacal evil laughter bit, which seems it will never end. I hope you arent lactose intolerant with the amount of cheesiness this scene contains.
Back to our lovebirds, raging hormones get to the better of them, so they decide to have sex, and we are then subjected to a sex montage. Yes you heard right. A sex montage. I hope you arent epileptic, as so much flashes on the screen, including previous scenes from the movie. After a hot night of the sex montage, the next morning, they are attacked by ninjas.
During this, the pastor's friend is not happy about the main guy hooking up with a prostitute. The main guy tries to convince him of his ability to transform into a dinosaur, but the friend thinks it is a demon possession. So he takes him to a man to try to get the demon out. The man is played by Aurelio Voltaire, who is more famous for his gothic music albums. Anyway, during the ceremony to cast out the demon, they end up just causing the dinosaur to be unleashed instead.
Oh and before this, the priest friend has a flashback of the "Korean War" which includes a scene where his girlfriend at time just pops out of nowhere. She goes to run to him, and as soon as she gets near, she just explodes. I actually called it before it happens, and when it did, I nearly bust a guy laughing.
Moving on, let's get to the final scene. So the main guy confronts the ninjas, and of course there is a trope of one of the ninjas being his brother. Oh and some reason, one of the ninjas is black. The prostitute who dressed like she is auditioning to be a Mortal Kombat character gets sliced up and dies. And this is when the main guy transforms to his raptor state, and we see it fully. And oh boy. I won't even tell you as it has to be seen to be believed.
So the leader of the ninjas has this special arrow, at least I think, that seems to paralyze the guy. Thinking he has the pastor on the ropes, his victory assured, he gloats that he has won. But the main guy retorts that his arm isn't paralyzed, and rips the guys head off. Fatality.
So the movie ends by letting us now the pastor's girlfriend has survived somehow...and they live happily ever after.
I will say this movie had me laughing so much I was in hysterics. At times, I wondered if I was somehow induced into an acid trip. This is a case of a movie being so bad, yet it is because of its its terribleness I am certain it will gain popularity that way. I can only imagine if it gets a Rifftrack. Or even worse(or maybe better), it gets a sequel.
This is free on Amazon Prime at the moment, so yes, if you are that curious, especially after my review, definitely go see it. Especially if you need the laugh.
Till next time, stay scared!!! -Tha Thrilla-